\/Ko"s 


itv 
America^ 


WHO'S   IT   IN   AMERICA 


WHO'S  IT  IN  AMERICA 

BEING  A  SORT  O'  BIOGRAPHY  OF  CER- 
TAIN PROMINENT  PERSONS,  WITH  SOME 
FACTS  ABOUT  THEM  HITHERTO  UNPUB- 
LISHED IN  A  WORK  OF  THIS  NATURE 


;  EDITED  AND  COMPILED  FROM  THE 
LATEST  UNAVAILABLE  DATA 

BY 

CHARLES   EUSTACE    MERRIMAN 

AUTHOR  OF  "LETTERS  OP  A  SON  TO  HIS  SELF-MADE  FATHER," 
"A  SELF-MADE  MAN'S  WIFE:   HER  LETTERS  TO  HER  SON,"  ETC. 


B.   W.    DODGE    AND    COMPANY 
NEW    YORK  ::   ::   ::   ::   ::  MCMVI 


COPYBIGHT,    1906,    BY 

B.  W.   DODGE  AND  COMPANY 

NEW  YOBK 


THE  TEOW  PBESS,  NEW  YOBK 


DEDICATED 

TO  ALL  WHOSE  "BIOGRAPHIES"  HAVE 
BEEN  OMITTED,  WITH  THE  HOPE  THAT 
THEY  WILL  NOT  FEEL  SLIGHTED 


NOTE 

Any  erroneous  statements  in  this  book 
will  be  corrected  in  future  editions.  Please 
send  corrections  to  The  Bureau  of  Vital 
Statistics,  PacJcingtown,  Cook  County,  III. 
Any  prominent,  person  desiring  a  write- 
up  may  send  copy  to  the  same  address. 
Modest  persons  may  write  up  their  friends. 

THE  PUBLISHERS. 
October  19,  1906. 


ADE,  GEORGE,  author  of  Any  Old  Thing 
there's  a  Giggle  in.  Born  in  Indiana ;  had  the 
Measles:  got  over  'em  both  without  Bad  Ef- 
fects. Early  in  Life  got  the  Pen  Habit ;  can't 
get  over  That.  Woke  up  the  Literary  Push 
with  "Artie"  (Kind  Eegards  to  Chimmie 
Fadden).  Handed  out  Advice  in  Big  Chunks, 
done  up  like  Sugared  Pills  in  Capital  Letters 
and  Slang  Fables  (Thankee,  Mr.  ^Esop). 
One  day  a  Theayter  Feller  got  wise  to  the 
Latent  Talent  and  Hidden  Light  in  this  Smart 
Guy  under  the  Chicago  Newspaper  Bushel  and 
turned  a  Calcium  on  him.  The  newspaper 

8 


Smart  Guy  took  the  Hunch,  although  scart  that 
as  a  Play  Right  he'd  be  Pretty  Rotten ;  but  he 
wasn't,  at  least  not  at  the  First  Crack  out  of 
the  Box.  That  got  Under  the  Wire  a  little 
later  when  the  Smart  Guy  was  so  busy  Count- 
ing Royalties  that  he'd  no  time  to  Think  Great 
Thoughts.  Owes  so  much  to  College  Life  that 
he  should  do  Something  Handsome  for  some 
Learning  Mill.  Prefers  Operas  to  Plays 
'cause  he  does  'em  Better.  Maybe  in  the  fu- 
ture— but  this  a  Fact  Factory,  not  a  Second 
Sight  Shop. 


AGUINALDO,  LIEUT.  GEN.  EMILIO, 
late  commander-in-chief  of  the  Revolutionary 
Army  of  Luzon  and  of  the  Anti-Imperialist 
Brigade  of  America  (See  Erving  Winslow 
and  Winslow  Warren  in  "  The  Boston  Book 
of  Cranks  ").  Was  long  noted  as  the  biggest 
liar  in  the  Philippines,  and  was  therefore  called 
the  "  George  Washington  of  Manila  "  by  his 
enthusiastic  admirers  in  New  England.  For 
his  daring  exploits  in  robbing  the  chicken- 
coops  of  the  American  officers  in  the  island  he 
was  elected  an  honorary  member  of  the  Grid- 
iron Club  of  Washington.  His  petty  larcenies 
10 


became  so  annoying  that  a  posse  of  constables 
under  the  leadership  of  High  Sheriff  Funston 
went  out  and  nabbed  the  durned  critter  and 
put  him  in  the  town  lock-up.  Was  used  as 
laundryman,  and  did  up  Gen.  MacArthur's 
shirts  so  beautifully  that  he  was  finally  let  go 
on  parole.  A.  is  now  in  retirement  in  the  in- 
terior of  the  island,  editing  the  "  Tagalog  Na- 
tional Scimitar  "  and  preparing  a  new  revolt 
for  the  purpose  of  being  bought  off. 


v 


ARMOUR,  J.  H'OGDEN,  light-erateur  and 
largest  assassin  of  animals  in  the  world. 
Claims  to  be  the  only  American  descendant 
of  the  ancient  English  Beefeaters,  but  is  a  con- 
scientious vegetarian  whenever  he  is  in  Chi- 
cago. As  a  boy  he  delighted  the  heart  of  "  Old 
Phil,"  his  father,  by  inventing  a  process  for 
making  pate  de  foies  gras  of  sows'  ears.  En- 
tered Yale,  but  when  his  father's  canned  goods 
began  to  appear  in  "  Commons,"  was  prompt- 
ly sent  to  Coventry.  Returned  to  Chicago  and 
the  business.  When  he  succeeded  in  selling 
12 


hogs'  squeals  for  phonographic  records  of 
great  sopranos'  voices,  was  taken  into  part- 
nership by  his  grateful  sire.  A.  has  traveled 
much  abroad  trying  to  inculcate  a  taste  for 
his  "  Devilish  Ham,"  "  Anti  -  Gallinaceous 
Chicken,"  "  Veriworst  Sausage,"  and  "  Potted 
Pigs'  Hoofs."  Has  had  some  small  success 
with  minor  potentates,  but  has  as  yet  failed  in 
his  burning  desire  to  be  made  Purveyor  to 
H.  I.  M.,  Kaiser  Bill.  Is  interested  in  her- 
aldry and  has  adopted  as  his  family  motto: 
"  I  Can."  Author :  "  Peerless  Packingtown, 
the  Perfumed  Paradise,"  "  Hogs  I  Have 
Turned  into  Men,"  and  "  Carols  of  a  Chol- 
era-ic  Cow."  Residence:  Slaughterhouse 
Chambers,  Chicago.  Club  address :  "  Bloods," 
ditto. 


13 


ASTOR,     WILLIAM     WALDORF,     the 

world's  greatest  absentee  landlord.  Famous 
for  having  god-fathered  more  hotels  than  any 
other  living  man,  running  the  late  G.  Wash- 
ington a  very  close  second.  B.  in  New  York, 
but  early  outgrew  it  and  once  kicked  his  gov- 
erness for  playing  "  Yankee  Doodle  "  on  the 
family  pianoforte.  In  his  youth  "  went  in  " 
for  politics  but  discovered  that  money  did 
not  make  the  mayor  go.  Decided  that  he 
couldn't  live  in  America  and  continue  to  be 
a  gentleman,  so  removed  to  England,  consid- 
erately leaving  most  of  his  property  behind. 
14 


Grew  highly  discontented  with  his  hard-work- 
ing, money-grabbing  ancestors,  and  with  the 
aid  of  a  munificently  paid  genealogist,  who 
needed  the  money,  found  that  he  was  a 
back-stairs  descendant  of  a  Spanish  grandee. 
Since  residing  in  England  has  frequently  been 
among  the  "  also-rans "  for  royal  honors. 
British  public  is  now  considering  petition  to 
Parliament  to  change  A's  name  to  "  Asstor." 
Author:  "Taint  in  IP  America,"  "Why  I 
Cling  to  Yankee  Boodle  "  and  other  essays. 
Clubs:  "Lickspittles"  and  "Expatriates." 


15 


BAER,  GEORGE  F.,  the  only  understudy 
for  the  Almighty  now  in  practice  in  America. 
(See  Hohenzollern,  Wilhelm,  in  "  Vas  Is  Vas 
Im  Deutschland.")  B.  in  close  proximity  to  a 
coal-hod,  which  was  given  him  as  a  toy  as  soon 
as  he  was  old  enough  to  grasp  anything. 
Early  entered  country  journalism,  where  habit 
of  "  scooping "  everything  in  sight  became 
fixed.  Was  legal  adviser  in  railroad  secrets 
to  J.  Pierpont  Morgan  for  many  years,  which 
explains  certain  idiosyncrasies  in  B's  charac- 
ter. In  1902  made  and  promulgated  to  the 
world  his  marvellous  discovery  that  the  great 

16 


Pennsylvania  beds  of  anthracite  were  planted 
by  the  Lord  for  the  express  purpose  of  the 
Reading  Coal  Barons.  In  consequence  of  this 
he  was  knighted  by  the  trust  and  expelled  by 
the  geological  societies.  Now  has  telephone 
connection  with  the  New  Jerusalem  and  ex- 
pects soon  to  get  a  ten  thousand  year  contract 
to  furnish  coal  for  Hades.  Author  whimsical 
song,  "  There's  Always  Trouble  Bruin  Where 
Baer  Sticks  in  His  Paws." 


BANGS,  JOHN  KENDRICK,  the  only 
self-made  humorist  in  America.  Studied  law 
for  a  Life  vocation,  and  in  that  pursuit  picked 
up  the  delicious  drollery  for  which  syndicates 
and  magazines  have  fought  so  fiercely.  Was 
at  one  time  editor  of  the  Drawer,  of  Harper's 
Monthly,  but  was  "  fired  "  in  less  than  a  year 
because  the  oldest  subscriber  wrote  a  letter 
to  the  publishers  complaining  that  one  of  B's 
jokes  made  him  laugh.  One  of  his  most  truly 
humorous  feats  was  that  of  running  for  mayor 
of  Yonkers,  N.  Y.,  on  the  Democratic  ticket. 
In  his  campaign  he  insisted  on  making  face- 
18, 


tious  speeches;  the  Republican  majority  was 
unprecedented.  Hearing  that  a  fellow  named 
Holmes  had  written  some  stuff  about  breakfast 
tables,  intended  to  be  humorous,  B.  decided  to 
better  the  idea  and  produced  a  large  mass  of 
boarding  house  matter  under  the  autobiograph- 
ical title  "  The  Idiot."  Of  late  B.  has  been 
endeavoring  to  fill  a  long  felt  want  in  the  mat- 
ter of  comic  opera  librettos,  but  as  even  he 
could  not  quite  get  down  to  their  level  of  stu- 
pidity, has  had  little  success. 


19 


BOK,  EDWARD  WILLIAM,  b.  in  Hol- 
land, 1863,  but  got  away  from  there  at  a  rapid 
gait  at  the  age  of  six,  whence  the  expression 
on  the  part  of  his  admirers,  "  he  beats  the 
Dutch !  "  Was  educated  at  the  Wassahickon 
Finishing  School  for  Young  Ladies,  graduat- 
ing with  rank.  Attracted  the  attention  of 
great  magazine  owners  by  remarkable  series  of 
papers  on  "  The  Spooning  of  Infants,"  and 
was  finally  adopted  by  the  Ladiesinaids'  Own 
Journal.  Strengthened  his  editorial  seat  by 
wedding  the  daughter  of  the  proprietor,  which 
also  gave  him  the  necessary  insight  for  his 
20 


remarkable  articles  on  teething.  Mr.  B.  has 
long  been  a  crusader  against  excessive  tips, 
and  in  1904  was  nearly  killed  in  the  cafe  of  the 
Waldorf-Astoria  for  offering  a  waiter  a  nickel. 
B.  is  a  charter  member  of  the  Loyal  Legion  of 
Ladies  Lecturers.  Author :  "  Every  Lady  Her 
Own  Housemaid,"  "  The  Honorable  Art  of 
Dressmaking,"  and  "How  to  Make  Home 
Happy  even  When  There  is  a  Man  There." 


BRADY,  CYRUS  TOWNSEND,  inventor 
of  the  famous  literary  sausage-mill;  b.  Alle- 
gheny, Pa,,  near  an  iron  foundry.  By  watch- 
ing operations  he  early  conceived  the  idea  of 
turning  vast  quantities  of  words  into  a  hop- 
per, which,  by  his  patent  process,  would  come 
out  novels.  After  long  struggles  with  ad- 
versity, such  as  being  an  Episcopalian  minis- 
ter, he  managed  to  perfect  his  machine,  until 
it  now  produces  for  him  hundreds  of  novels, 
essays,  short  stories,  and  histories  every  week. 
By  means  of  this  handy  little  contrivance,  B. 
is  enabled  to  be  a  contributor  to  all  the  maga- 
zines in  the  world,  as  it  can  be  worked  in  any 
language  and  upon  any  subject,  previous  ex- 
22 


perience  or  knowledge  not  necessary.  Has 
contracts  with  all  the  publishing  houses  in 
America  to  turn  out  books  on  each  popular 
hero  as  he  comes  along,  thus  trebling  the  perils 
of  heroism.  As  soon  as  he  can  provide  some 
philanthropic  means  of  livelihood  for  the  rest 
of  the  literary  world,  he  will  supply  the  maga- 
zine and  book  markets  alone  and  unaided. 


BRYAN,  WILLIAM  JENNINGS,  peren- 
nial Presidential  candidate;  b.  Salem,  111., 
1860.  Although  the  American  people  have 
twice  buried  him,  does  not  know  that  he  is  dead 
(politically).  Became  a  celebrity  in  one  night 
in  1896;  not  yet  over  it,  but  has  shed  the 
"  crown  of  thorns  "  he  then  created,  while  the 
nation  struggles  along  under  the  "  cross  of 
gold  "  cast  on  the  same  occasion.  Played  in 
the  two  biggest  "  national  games  "  on  record ; 
defeated  in  both — 16  to  1.  Promised  to  make 
one  dollar  into  two,  but  the  people  preferred  to 
ketep  the  one  they  had.  Recently  home  from 

24 


Europe.  Still  hopes  to  be  president,  but 
that's  another  story.  Commanded  a  regiment 
for  fifteen  minutes  during  Spanish  war;  ob- 
jected to  the  gilt  on  the  buttons.  Supposed 
to  edit  "  The  Commoner,"  although  the  paper 
doesn't  look  as  if  anyone  did.  Author  of: 
"  How  it  Feels  to  be  a  Candidate,"  "  Why  I 
Didn't  Get  that  Fifty  Thousand,"  and  "  How 
I  was  Licked,"  (236,798  versions). 


25 


CARNEGIE,  ANDREW,  the  canny  Scot 
who  taught  Theodore  Roosevelt  how  to  spell. 
Has  given  away  one  hundred  million  dollars  in 
a  frantic  struggle  not  to  die  rich;  as  he  was 
born  in  1837  and  has  unnumbered  millions  left 
he  will  have  to  hurry  up  if  "  Here  Lies  a  Poor 
Man  "  is  to  decorate  his  tombstone.  Made  the 
bulk  of  his  wealth  in  the  Steel  business  (not 
"  steal " ;  he  has  been  more  honest  than  his 
companion  multi-millionaires).  As  he  is,  as 
aforesaid,  a  canny  Scot,  he  therefore  must  be 
considered  as  believing  that  his  investments  in 
library  building  and  other  philanthropic  gifts 
pay  him  good  interest.  Recently  gave  ten  mil- 
26 


lions  as  pension  fund  for  superannuated  col- 
lege professors :  net  result,  one  LL.D.  for  him 
from  St.  Andrews  University.  A  number  of 
brave  men  have  medals  given  from  his  "  hero 
fund "  hidden  away  where  no  one  can  see 
them.  If  you  need  a  library  address  2  East 
91st  St.,  New  York  City. 


>TY  WORD' 


CHAD  WICK,  CASSIE,  first  (green-goods) 
lady  of  the  land.  With  the  sole  equipment  of 
a  winning  smile,  an  insinuating  tongue  and  a 
pair  of  hocus-pocus  eyes  she  charmed  the  most 
astute  birds  of  finance  off  their  perches  and 
bamboozled  them  into  feathering  her  own  nest. 
Little  is  positively  known  of  her  early  life,  but 
there  is  a  fairly  well  authenticated  report  in 
Cleveland,  Ohio,  that  when  she  was  a  young 
girl  her  youthful  associates  were  unable  to 
refuse  her  anything  that  she  wanted.  Had  she 
been  a  man  with  similar  power  she  might 
have  been  a  diplomat  or  a  gold  brick  jobber. 

28 


(N.  B.  These  are  synonymous  terms.)  Had 
she  not  met  with  reverses  it  is  probable  that 
she  would  have  continued  indefinitely  baiting 
traps  to  catch  gudgeons.  Inventor  of  an  elab- 
orate and  perfected  process  for  extracting 
money  from  a  national  bank  without  the  use 
of  collateral ;  of  a  method  for  making  a  bank 
president  dream  while  wide-awake;  and  of  a 
painless  method  of  leg  pulling. 


29 


CHATFIELD  -  TAYLOR,  HOBART 
CHATFIELD  C.  H.  CHATFIELD-CHAT- 
FIELD  C.  CHATFIELD  H.,  noted  Chicago 
lit' ry  cuss.  Famous  as  one  of  the  few  men 
born  in  that  city  who  stayed  there.  Is  de- 
scended from  a  Chatfield  and  doesn't  care  who 
knows  it.  In  youthful  days  got  a  taste  of 
Spanish  mackerel  and  became  infatuated  with 
the  land  of  the  castanets.  In  1894  was  deco- 
rated with  the  order  of  Isabella  the  Catholic — 
not  the  Banished  to  Paris — for  his  skill  in 
cooking  Spanish  onions  at  the  Chicago  World's 
Fair.  Always  walks  Spanish  when  he  wears 
30 


It.  T.  very  early  began  to  produce  Literature 
at  his  own  expense,  and  has  had  himself  done 
in  a  lot  of  very  beautiful  bindings.  Knows 
Mrs.  Potter  Palmer,  and  is  therefore  always 
sure  of  selling  several  copies  every  time  he 
brings  out  a  novel.  Is  also  an  intimate  of 
Reginald  DeKoven,  who  once  set  T's  life  to 
music  for  a  comic  opera,  but  suppressed  the 
score.  Among  T's  works  are :  "  Oh,  Fudge," 
and  other  poems ;  "  The  Chatfield-Chatfields," 
a  history  in  ten  volumes ;  and  "  The  Vice  of 
Fools,"  "  Two  Women  and  a  Fool,"  and  "  Ain't 
I  a  Fool?"  novels. 


31 


CLEMENS,  SAMUEL  LANGHORNE, 
but  seldom  or  never  known  save  as  Mark 
Twain,  b.  Florida,  Mo.,  in  1835.  Ed.  in  com- 
mon schools  only,  which  fact  partially  accounts 
for  his  sense  of  humor.  Despite  lack  of  col- 
lege course  has  since  been  tagged  with  sym- 
bolic letters  by  several  of  the  leading  colleges. 
Was  funny  from  birth  but  it  took  thirty  odd 
years  for  people  to  find  it  out.  For  example : 
When  he  told  his  grocer  one  day  that  his 
"  pepper  was  half  pease  " — this  is  the  way  the 
grocer  would  have  spelled  it — it  took  him  half 
an  hour  to  calm  the  tradesman  down  suffi- 
ciently to  see  the  point.  C.  began  life  as  a 
country  newspaper  editor;  having  survived 
32 


this,  his  good  nature  was  proof  against  all 
things.  In  later  years  his  jocosity  triumphed 
over  the  failure  of  a  publishing  house  in  which 
he  was  interested  financially,  and  the  funny 
stories  he  told  his  creditors  fully  recompensed 
them  for  the  delay  in  payments.  (N.  B.  The 
fact  that  he  ultimately  paid  his  creditors,  dol- 
lar for  dollar,  is  one  of  the  most  brilliant  witti- 
cisms of  his  career.)  The  fact  that  his  books 
are  largely  read  in  England  shows  that  the 
Britisher  will  buy  a  joke  even  if  he  can't  see  it. 


CLEVELAND,  GROVER,  fisherman  and 
duck  hunter;  b.  1837,  Caldwell,  N.  J.  Father 
a  cleric,  which  accounts  for.  G's  early  separa- 
tion from  the  church.  Educated  for  the  law 
and  landed  as  sheriff  of  Erie  County,  N.  Y. 
Wearied  of  hangman's  business  and  became 
headsman.  As  mayor  of  Buffalo  and  gov- 
ernor of  New  York  decapitated  all  his  political 
enemies,  so  had  an  easy  job  in  collaring  Demo- 
cratic Presidential  nomination  in  1884.  Beat 
Burchard-Blaine  ticket  by  a  neck.  Most  meri- 
torious act  in  first  term :  marrying  Miss  Fran- 
ces Folsom.  Kicked  out  of  White  House  in 
34 


1888  by  Ben  Harrison,  whom  he  in  turn  ejected 
for  non-payment  of  electoral  votes  in  1892. 
Tied  three  knots  in  British  lion's  tail,  from 
which  the  critter  hasn't  yet  recovered.  Now 
resides  in  Princeton,  N.  J.,  Buzzard's  Bay, 
Mass.,  and  Sandwich,  N.  H.,  according  to  vari- 
ation of  fish  and  mosquito  seasons.  Hired  by 
life  insurance  men  to  protect  the  policy  hold- 
ers ( ?).  The  only  statesman  in  America  who 
can  put  on  his  shirt,  buttoned,  over  his  head. 
Author :  "  One  Grand  Sweet  Song,"  and  "  How 
to  Fish  Without  Spiritual  Comfort." 


COMSTOCK,  ANTHONY,  grand  conserva- 
tor of  the  morals  of  the  world ;  b.  New  Canaan, 
Conn.,  1844,  about  three  centuries  too  late.  At 
a  very  tender  age  began  to  show  signs  of  an 
extraordinary  love  for  purity.  Refused  to  eat 
lettuce  unless  it  was  dressed ;  would  not  come 
to  table  when  leg  of  lamb  was  served ;  and  ran 
away  from  home  because  he  overheard  his 
mother  mentioning  the  bare  facts  in  a  certain 
case.  Went  to  New  York  as  the  most  likely 
place  in  the  world  for  his  peculiar  labors,  and 
founded  the  Society  for  the  Suppression  of 
Vice.  Did  suppress  it.  Has  become  a  veg- 
36 


etarian  owing  to  his  intense  antipathy  to  ten- 
derloin. Is  popularly  believed  to  have  broken 
the  arms  off  the  Venus  of  Milo  in  a  fit  of  rage 
at  the  lady's  condition.  Was  asked  to  become 
a  member  of  Rev.  Dr.  Parkhurst's  famous 
leap-frog  expedition,  but  declined  because  P. 
would  not  promise  to  have  the  game  in  the 
dark.  Clubs:  The  Knockers,  The  Kickers, 
The  Sneakers,  and  The  Anti-art.  Author: 
"  Good  Pictures  I  Have  Spoiled,"  "  The  Im- 
morality of  the  Naked  Truth,"  and  "The 
Criminal  Nudity  of  Infants." 


CONREID,  HERE,  or  HAIR,  b.  1852, 
Ausgesightnicht.  Early  life  spent  in  a  boiler 
shop,  where  he  became  impervious  to  horrible 
noises.  Tried  acting  and  the  public  encour- 
aged him  to  become  a  manager.  Was  called  to 
New  York  to  take  charge  of  the  sausage  and 
sauerkraut  privileges  at  the  Thalia  Theater; 
in  six  months  he  owned  the  whole  concern  and 
gave  Dutch  drama  at  unpopular  prices.  Was 
so  successful  in  keeping  stars  from  colliding 
that  he  was  invited  to  the  astronomical  chair 
of  the  Metropolitan  Opera  House  at  a  hand- 
some salary  and  a  rake-off.  Refereed  several 
38 


fist  fights  between  prirna  donnas,  and  invented 
an  arrangement  for  the  lighting  of  the  Metro- 
politan by  means  of  Mrs.  Astor's  stomacher. 
Imported  "  Parsifal,"  a  celebrated  German 
dachshund,  and  was  challenged  to  a  duel  over 
the  case  by  Cosima  Wagner,  a  famous  Ama- 
zon. Escaped  puncture  by  declining  to  fight. 
Has  devised  a  non-tobacco  cigar,  called  the 
"  Conreid,"  which  he  uses  to  decimate  his 
friends.  Author :  "  Star-gazing,  or  the  Reve- 
lations of  a  Night." 


39 


CHOKER,  RICHARD,  the  Sphinx  of 
American  politics.  Although  the  question 
"  Where  did  you  get  it 1  "  was  put  to  him  973,- 
641  times,  he  never  answered  a  word.  C.  was 
born  in  Ireland,  and  tried  to  go  back  there 
to  live,  but  his  fellow  countrymen  courteously 
but  firmly  presented  him  with  the  freedom  of 
England  instead.  In  early  life  C.  was  an  emi- 
nent exponent  of  the  manly  art  and  at  one 
time  champion  of  the  Bowery  Mixed  Ale  Asso- 
ciates ;  later  on  was  expelled  on  the  charge  of 
drinking  champagne.  Became  chief  of  the 
Tammanys  and  collected  vast  quantities  of 
40 


wampum  from  the  villagers  of  New  York. 
His  braves  finally  rebelled,  and  he  was  about 
to  be  roasted  at  the  stake  when  he  escaped  and 
fled  for  protection  to  the  great  white  queen, 
Victoria.  Is  now  living  in  the  domain  of  her 
son,  Edward,  whom  he  tried  to  bunco  in  a 
horse  trade,  but  in  which  act  he  was  detected, 
and  ruled  off  the  Darby  race  course,  doncher 
know,  by  gad,  old  chap.  Has  become  adept 
at  raising  pigs  and  says  it  reminds  him  of 
the  happy  days  of  childhood.  Member  Graft- 
ers, Boodlers  and  Long  Green  clubs. 


41 


DAVIS,  RICHARD  HARDING,  known 
throughout  the  world  as  the  novelist  who  in- 
vented the  scheme  of  making  himself  the  brave 
and  stalwart  hero  of  all  his  own  stories,  thus 
gaining  intense  realism  and  dispensing  with 
imagination  at  the  same  time.  With  the  col- 
laboration of  C.  D.  Gibson  (q.  v.)  he  estab- 
lished himself  as  himself  in  all  the  works  of 
himself.  Was  very  early  attracted  to  journal- 
ism and  ate  printers'  ink  in  preference  to  candy 
in  days  of  childhood.  Being  a  newspaper-re- 
porter D.  broke  into  fiction  very  easily  and 
made  his  reputation  by  one  especially  good 
42 


whopper  about  his  chum  Gallegher,  and  some 
confessions  of  a  butler  of  his  mother's  named 
Van  Bibber.  His  talent  for  this  special  line 
of  work  resulted  in  making  his  services  as 
a  war-correspondent  much  in  demand.  He 
fought  the  Associated  Press  valiantly  in  Cuba 
and  saw  service  in  his  hotel  at  Seoul,  Korea, 
Japan  unkindly  barring  him  from  the  army  in 
Manchuria  for  fear  he  would  wrest  the  com- 
mand from  Oyama.  D.  has  dramatized  R.  H. 
Davis  several  times  with  success.  Founder 
Richard  Harding  Davis  Marching  Club,  and 
honorary  member  Venezuelan  Revolutionists' 
Circle.  Present  address:  Davis  Kennels-on- 
Hudson. 


DEPEW,  CHAUNCEY  MITCHELL,  pro- 
fessional diner,  pomologist,  railroad  president, 
dummy  director  and  pacificator;  b.  Peekskill, 
N.  Y.,  a  few  years  ago.  Has  been  growing 
younger  with  great  rapidity  in  the  last  decade 
in  order  not  to  be  taken  for  his  wife's  great- 
grandfather. Was  admitted  to  the  bar  in 
1858,  and  allowed  to  remain  there  till  he  told 
a  funny  story,  when  he  was  invited  by  the 
judiciary  to  retire.  Politically  is  notable 
chiefly  for  what  he  has  declined ;  wouldn't  go 
as  U.  S.  minister  to  Japan,  refused  election  as 
U.  S.  senator  in  1885,  spurned  the  offer  of  the 
44 


portfolio  of  state  by  Ben  Harrison,  and  re- 
jected tempting  terms  of  Weber  &  Field  to 
join  their  vaudeville  company.  In  1903  en- 
tered long  distance  after-dinner  speaking  con- 
test with  Simeon  Ford,  and  lost  on  a  foul  com- 
mitted in  calling  his  opponent  a  monkey,  which, 
he  explained,  was  another  name  for  simian. 
Loves  railroads;  is  president  of  67  lines  and 
director  in  345.  Is  an  officer  in  1,089  trust 
companies,  and  until  recently  held  down  a 
$20,000  vacancy  in  the  Equitable.  Does  not 
now  speak  with  Mr.  Paul  Morton.  Author 
popular  song  "  I'm  a  Peach ;  You  May  Pluck 
Me  When  Ripe."  (Note:  The  recent  dwin- 
dling of  his  popularity  suggests  that  he  is  not 
only  ripe  but — over  ripe.) 


DEWEY,  GEORGE,  admiral  U.  S.  navy 
and  at  one  time  national  hero.  (Note :  Ameri- 
can heroes  keep  best  after  decease.)  Hap- 
pened to  he  near  Manila  at  outbreak  of  Span- 
ish War ;  assisted  by  a  fleet  and  a  few  thousand 
American  seamen  made  pepper  pots  out  of  the 
Dons'  fighting  craft.  Didn't  think  he  had 
done  anything  remarkable  till  he  saw  Ameri- 
can newspapers.  Came  home  and  finding 
streets,  babies,  dogs  and  suspenders  named 
after  him,  knew  he  was  a  hero.  Later  antag- 
onized the  crowds  that  had  just  ceased  hysteri- 
46 


cal  cheering  of  him  by  presuming  to  make  it 
apparent  that  he  believed  that  when  they  gave 
him  a  house  by  popular  subscription  they 
meant  it;  also  offended  by  daring  to  cast 
sheep's  eyes  at  another  house  (White)  and  by 
designating  one  particular  woman  as  his  choice. 
Inspired  678,000  versions  of  "  One  dewy  morn 
in  May."  Author  of  many  books  on  strategy, 
including:  "Why  I  Don't  Think  There  Were 
Torpedoes  in  Manila  Bay  and  Why  I  Don't 
Care " ;  "  Steering  Through  the  Waves  of 
Popularity " ;  and  "  Bombs  vs.  Bouquets." 
Also  of  the  impassioned  poem,  "  E'en  tho'  he 
be  an  admiral,  a  man's  a  man  for  a'  that." 


DOUGLAS,  WILLIAM  L.,  widely  known 
as  the  "  surprise  party  governor  "  of  Massa- 
chusetts. Previously  had  been  billed  in  all 
the  papers  of  the  United  States  as  the 
"  World's  Greatest  Shoemaker,"  and  when  it 
came  election  time  the  people  booted  the  other 
fellow  all  over  the  lot  and  put  D.  into  the  State 
House  under  the  impression  that  he  would  take 
care  of  every  voter  who  was  on  his  uppers. 
His  chief  exploit  as  ruler  of  Massachusetts 
was  to  make  Gen.  Miles  High  Cockalorum  of 
the  Bay  State  army,  by  which  his  uniform  was 
utilized  in  sending  heliograph  signals  farther 
than  ever  before  known.  D.  refused  to  be  a 
48 


candidate  for  a  second  term  on  the  ground 
that  he  feared  he  might  in  that  case  be  elected 
President  of  the  United  States  in  1908,  and  he 
didn't  want  the  worry.  Member  of  Leather 
Medal  and  Hidebound  clubs  of  Brockton, 
Mass.  Is  very  fond  of  art,  and  has  made  his 
picture  one  of  the  most  easily  recognizable  in 
the  world.  lias  a  facile  touch  at  literary  de- 
scriptions, which  has  made  his  articles  on  the 
merits  of  his  footgear  acceptable  in  all  the 
newspapers  and  periodicals. 


ERLANGER,  ABE,  mouthpiece  of  the 
Theatrical  Syndicate;  little,  but  oh,  my! 
What  nature  deprived  him  of  in  feet  and 
inches,  she  added  in  energy  and  voice.  Despite 
a  certain  rotundity  in  girth,  can  rehearse  the 
most  agile  chorus  girl  off  her  feet  without  turn- 
ing a  hair.  Has  made  himself  the  most  con- 
spicuous stage  manager  in  America  solely  by 
personal  endeavors,  and  has  amassed  millions 
by  the  popularity  of  his  theatrical  booking 
50 


agency;  many  American  managers  declining 
to  play  their  companies  except  by  arrange- 
ment with  it.  Nevertheless  is  reported  as  not 
entirely  happy,  as  the  sobriquet  "  Napoleon 
of  the  drama,"  which  rightfully  belongs  to  him, 
has  been  appropriated  by  another.  Is  said  to 
be  writing  a  play  with  himself  as  the  hero ;  if 
the  report  is  true  will  probably  star  himself 
in  it.  Author  of  the  famous  bon  mot  "  Don't 
talk  to  me  about  Shakespeare !  Give  me  John 
McNally!" 


^.  r 


51 


FAIRBANKS,  COLD  WINTER,  the  hero 
of  the  song  "  How'd  You  Like  to  be  the  Ice- 
man? "  Born  during  the  height  of  the  excite- 
ment over  Dr.  Kane's  voyages  to  the  polar 
regions,  and  has  always  been  interested  in  the 
science  of  frigidity.  Quite  early  attracted 
attention  of  physicians  all  over  the  world  by 
possession  of  a  natural  temperature  of  33° 
Fahrenheit.  Because  of  length  and  thinness 
was  known  as  "  The  Boy  Icicle  "  in  his  native 
town.  Slept  in  the  refrigerator  to  help  his 
struggling  parents  until  he  grew  too  extensive 
for  the  ice-bo's.  Stiidiecl  law  aacl  did  well 
52 


until  judges  before  whom  he  practised  began 
to  die  regularly  of  pneumonia.  In  campaign 
of  1904  was  selected  as  running-mate  to  the 
President  to  neutralize  the  Rooseveltian  heat. 
By  hard  work  keeps  administration  tempera- 
ture at  about  80  degrees.  Presides  in  Senate 
very  warm  days;  at  other  times  being  asked 
to  name  a  substitute.  Presidential  fever  has 
added  little  warmth  to  his  system.  Charter 
member  Ice  Carriers'  International  Union. 
Author:  "Dietary  Effect  of  Snowballs"; 
poems,  "  Love  Epics  of  a  Polar  Bear,"  etc., 
etc. 


53 


FITCH,  (WILLIAM)  CLYDE,  once  Amer- 
ica's only  playwright,  now  contesting  with  G. 
Bernard  Shaw  for  first  place.  Gave  evidence 
of  dramatic  bent  of  mind  as  an  infant,  his  first 
connected  words  being  in  dialogue  form;  in 
boyhood  devoted  many  hours  to  play.  One  of 
his  first  acted  dramas,  "  Beau  Brummel,"  was 
written  for  Richard  Mansfield,  who  liked  it  so 
well  that  he  later  claimed  it  as  his  own.  F. 
wrote  several  good  plays  before  he. w.as..sjQ  un- 
fortunate as  to  become  famous ;  since  that  tune 
has  apparently  not  found  it  necessary.  His 
54 


chief  success  has  been  in  staging  certain  trivi- 
alities of  society  life  which  his  predecessors 
neglected  as  immaterial.  Spent  early  life  in 
filling  a  barrel  with  plays  that  no  manager 
would  produce ;  is  now  arm-weary  from  draw- 
ing them  out.  Author,  in  addition  to  7,368 
dramas :  "  Why  I  Feel  a  Special  Interest  in 
the  Building  of  New  Theaters,"  "  Companies 
I  Have  Rehearsed  and  How  They  Liked  It," 
and  "  Why  Do  Managers  Bother  about  Eng- 
lish Playwrights  till  my  Barrel's  Empty?  " 


55 


FROHMAN,  CHARLES,  the  "Napoleon 
of  the  drama,"  b.  Sandusky,  0.,  where,  at  the 
age  of  seven,  he  organized  a  theatrical  com- 
pany in  his  father's  cellar,  first  securing  an 
option  on  all  the  plays  the  farmers  of  the 
vicinity  might  write.  Has  apparently  recently 
presented  some  of  these.  Subsequently  stud- 
ied art  in  black  and  white  as  treasurer  of  Hav- 
erly's  Minstrels.  Took  "  Shenandoah  "  when 
the  public  didn't  want  it  and  made  it  im- 
mensely popular,  proving  that  theater-goers 
do  not  know  their  own  minds.  Has  attempted 
similar  tat'tibs  since  with  similar  results ;  has 
56 


also  failed,  with  the  result  that  even  he  long 
ago  gave  up  figuring  on  the  public.  Was  the 
first  to  exalt  the  manager  above  the  actor  by 
putting  his  name  first  on  the  program,  but  it 
doesn't  seem  to  have  chastened  the  actor.  Said 
to  be  searching  for  the  American  playwright, 
but  apparently  believes  that  he  lives  in  Eng- 
land. Reported  to  have  himself  written  fine 
dramas,  which,  however,  did  not  meet  with  the 
approval  of  his  play  readers;  among  them 
being :  "  Napoleon  and  I,"  "  The  Thankless 
Star,"  and  "  The  Necessary  but  Unseemly 
Syndicate." 


GARDNER,  MRS.  "  JACK,"  the  lady  who 
has  made  Boston  tired ;  not  born  yesterday,  of 
parents  in  the  syrup  business,  which  alienists 
believe  accounts  for  the  known  sweetness  of 
her  disposition.  Mrs.  G.  has  a  pretty  taste  in 
art,  and  established  a  "  public  "  museum  in  her 
residence,  thereby  evading  for  a  time  the  pay- 
ment of  duty  on  her  treasures.  Said  publicity 
consists  of  a  very  limited  number  of  tickets 
at  $2  a  tick,  obtained  through  one  of  the 
regular  ticket  speculators.  Is  said  to  have 
scrubbed  the  steps  of  a  Boston  church  on  her 
knees  in  Lent,  but  as  no  reporters  or  photogra- 
58 


pliers  were  present  the  rumor  is  not  credited. 
Mrs.  G.  is  a  great  and  valued  friend  of 
budding  musicians  who  are  clever  enough  to 
arrange  their  hair  correctly,  and  know  how 
to  retrieve  when  whistled  at.  Is  a  keen  and 
forcible  conversationalist,  and  is  often  over- 
heard discussing  affairs  of  state  with  her 
attaches  at  the  Boston  theaters.  Always  has 
the  same  box  at  the  Boston  Horse  Show  when 
she  can  persuade  "  Tom  "  Lawson  not  to  out- 
bid her.  Is  highly  musical,  and  is  popularly 
believed  to  make  up  the  programs  of  the  Bos- 
ton Symphony  Orchestra. 


59 


GARNER,  RICHARD  LYNCH,  official 
stenographer  for  the  Orang-Otang  Daily  Ga- 
zette, of  Mumbo  Jumbo,  South  Africa.  G's 
attention  was  first  turned  toward  serious  study 
of  Simian  by  a  visit  to  the  menagerie  when 
a  boy,  at  which  time  he  noted  that  a  monkey 
when  pricked  with  a  needle  fastened  at  the 
end  of  a  cane  uttered  sounds  closely  resem- 
bling human  profanity.  Same  animal  when 
offered  rum  and  molasses  was  observed  to  say 
"  yes  "  with  great  distinctness.  For  years  G. 
studied  new  language  in  all  its  branches,  dur- 
ing which  time  he  perfected  a  limited  vocabu- 
60 


lary.  Went  to  Newport  and  tried  it  on  Harry 
Lehr,  and  from  the  signs  of  intelligence  on  L's 
face  was  encouraged  to  go  to  Africa  and  en- 
gage in  the  education  of  the  baboon.  Got  him- 
self elected  mayor  of  Mumbo  Jumbo,  but  was 
afterward  impeached  for  his  ruling  that  there 
should  be  no  rings  in  the  city  government.  Is 
now  a  journalist,  as  above  noted,  and  is  also 
engaged  upon  a  grammar  of  his  native  tongue. 
Founder  and  president  of  The  Apes.  In- 
ventor the  Monkophone.  Author :  "  Orango- 
scope  "  (poems) ;  "  Chimpanzee  Lullabye  " ; 
"  Simian  Swear-words  " ;  and  "  The  Gorilla 
as  a  Clubman." 


61 


GERICKE,  WILHELM,  lately  conductor 
of  the  best  Little  German  Band  in  America, 
sometimes  called  the  Boston  Symphony  Or- 
chestra. Being  a  Teuton  of  the  Teutons,  he 
was  born  where  he  ought  to  have  been.  Com- 
menced his  musical  career  when  extremely 
small  and  always  yelled  in  chords  of  the  di- 
minished seventh.  After  many  vicissitudes  in 
opera  houses  and  beer-gardens,  G.  heard  of  a 
band  in  Boston  owned  by  a  Mr.  Higginson 
and  patronized  by  a  Mrs.  Gardner,  and  came 
over.  Did  not  pretend  to  be  a  baron  and 
was  received  coldly  at  first,  but  soon  proved 

62 


his  value  and  was  asked  to  subdue  society 
chatter  during  concerts  in  old  Music  Hall. 
Found  Mozart  ineffective,  and  gradually 
worked  along  through  Beethoven,  Brahms 
and  Berlioz  to  Wagner,  who  did  the  business. 
Is  called  a  "martinet,"  which  means  that  he 
makes  the  first  violins  pay  attention  to  business 
instead  of  to  the  society  girls  out  front.  Is 
famous  as  having  been  the  introducer  of  lever- 
wurst  to  the  Back  Bay,  of  Boston.  Author: 
"  The  Mistakes  of  Richard  Strauss  and  Other 
Yellow  Composers." 


GIBSON,  CHARLES  DANA,  the  most  in- 
dustrious decorator  of  young  girls'  "  dens  " 
the  country  has  ever  known.  His  ability  in 
this  line  is  so  pronounced  that  Vassar  College 
offered  him  an  enormous  salary  if  he  would 
properly  oversee  the  pasting  up  of  his  prod- 
ucts in  that  institution,  but  he  refused  in 
favor  of  Tuskeegee  Institute,  where  he  gave 
a  notable  series  of  lectures  on  "  Black  and 
White."  G.  has  been  unjustly  accused  of 
creating  a  new  type  of  American  girl,  but  the 
charge  is  wholly  baseless,  for  no  such  type 
ever  existed,  despite  the  claims  of  some  forty 
thousand  young  women  that  they  inspired  his 
work.  G's  young  heroes  are  all  modeled  on 
64 


Richard  Harding  Davis,  with  a  few  inches 
of  height  and  a  little  facial  spirituality  added. 
Might  be  called  the  Hogarth  of  America  if 
he  did  not  draw  so  sweetly.  Having  earned 
his  vacation  money  from  the  dear  things  of 
America,  G.  has  now  flown  to  Paris  to  dab- 
ble in  oils.  Is  honorary  member  National 
Association  of  Spoons,  Moonstruck  Maids, 
and  Silly  Seminarians.  Author :  "  Checks  I 
Have  Drawn,"  "  It  Pays  to  be  a  Heartist," 
and  "  Can  I  Do  the  Parisians  Also?  " 


65 


GREEN,  ANNA  KATHEEINE 
(ROHLFS),  edition  de  luxe  dime  novelist; 
b.  Brooklyn,  N.  Y.,  1846,  on  a  tempestuous 
November  night,  in  the  dark  of  the  moon. 
Early  youth  was  most  mysterious  but  discern- 
ing; said  to  have  had  positive,  if  unrevealed, 
clues  to  the  identity  of  the  surreptitious  vis- 
itor to  the  maternal  preserve  pantry.  Prefers 
dark  lanterns  to  incandescent  lights,  and  is 
said  to  speak  only  with  "  bated  breath." 
When  wooed  and  won,  preferred  a  "  bracelet " 
to  the  conventional  engagement  ring.  Asked 
for  suggestions  as  to  the  building  of  her  new 
66 


residence,  requested  that  grated  wickets  be 
placed  in  the  doors  and  iron  bars  at  the  win- 
dows. Is  positive  that  she  could  imagine  an 
unlimited  number  of  criminal  mysteries  that 
Sherlock  Holmes,  Conan  Doyle,  and  Dr.  Wat- 
son could  not  solve.  Favorite  author:  Gabo- 
riau;  favorite  scent,  Criminal;  favorite  poem, 
"  Stone  walls  do  not  a  prison  make,  nor  iron 
bars  a  cage." 


GREEN,  HETTY  ROWLAND  ROBIN- 
SON, the  richest  woman  in  America,  also  the 
most  extravagant  in  her  personal  habits;  b. 
New  Bedford,  Mass.,  1835.  Lives  in  a  hall 
bedroom  in  New  York  and  never  minds  the 
expense.  Has  even  been  known  to  take  a 
street  car  when  she  might  have  walked,  and 
it  is  stated  on  credible  authority  that  her  din- 
ners sometimes  cost  twenty-five  cents.  Is  so 
lavish  as  to  be  regardless  of  consequences,  and 
once  narrowly  escaped  arrest  under  the  anti- 
tipping  law  for  offering  a  bellboy  a  cent. 
Mrs.  G.  knows  more  about  railroads  than  any 
68 


man  in  the  country,  and  never  encourages  cor- 
porate extravagance  by  paying  her  fare.  She 
spends  enormous  sums  every  year  Tor  gowns, 
hats,  and  jewels,  but  affects  to  despise  per- 
sonal adornment  and  appears  sometimes  in  a 
garb  that  would  give  her  washerwoman  the 
shivers.  Loves  to  see  money  in  circulation 
(around  her  safety  deposit  vault).  Author  of 
numerous  denials  that  she  intends  to  bequeath 
her  money  to  charitable  institutions ;  proposes 
to  take  it  with  her. 

[Jealous  rivals  in  the  stock  market  have 
spread  the  cruel  report  thai  Mrs.  G.  does  her 
own  washing.  We  know  this  to  be  false. — 
ED.] 


HAWTHORNE,  JULIAN,  reformed  nov- 
elist, recently  become  famous  by  telling  the 
aristocratic  young  gentlemen  who  read  the 
New  York  Churnal  how  to  regulate  their  habits 
of  bathing.  Some  say  that  the  literary  style 
of  these  tub-to-tub  talks  excels  that  of  H's 
earlier  works  of  fiction,  but  they  have  been 
found  to  be  envious  rival  editors.  H.  is  popu- 
larly believed  to  draw  $100  a  plunge  for  these 
articles,  with  $50  added  for  an  especially  im- 
pressive rub-down.  He  inherits  his  father's 
handsome  person  and  some  of  his  genius,  but 
the  latter  died  a  very  natural  death  in  New 
70 


York  City.  H.  once  collaborated  with  one 
James  Russell  Lowell  on  an  interview  entitled 
"  How  I  Hate  Englishmen,"  but  L.  subse- 
quently repudiated  his  share  of  the  work  and 
H.  drew  all  the  royalties — with  a  club.  Of 
late  he  has  turned  to  the  long-distance  unrav- 
eling of  murders  for  his  paper.  Can  solve 
any  criminal  mystery  in  ten  minutes,  and  can 
write  more  of  what  he  doesn't  know  than 
any  other  man  alive.  Clubs :  "  Sons  of  Their 
Fathers  "  and  "  Roll-Top  Desk  Sleuths." 


HEARST,  WILLIAM  RANDOLPH,  jour- 
nalistic Pooh  Bah  and  bete  noir  of  editors  who 
don't  know  Horace  Greeley  is  dead ;  b.  in  San 
Francisco,  but  finding  the  Golden  Gate  too  nar- 
row, went  to  New  York  and  painted  journalism 
yellow  with  his  father's  gold.  The  new  color 
became  so  popular  that  non-color  blind  editors 
hustled  to  give  their  papers  a  similar  tinge; 
those  who  did  not  losing  circulation  and  their 
jobs.  First  editor  to  abandon  time-honored 
fiction  that  a  newspaper  is  an  oracle,  substitut- 
ing the  bluff  that  it  belongs  to  its  readers. 
Foolishly  permitted  himself  to  be  sent  to  con- 
gress. In  1904  was  scratched  in  the  Presiden- 
72 


tial  preliminaries.  Near  mayor  of  Gotham  in 
1906.  Opposed  to  trusts,  but  "  a  chain  of 
newspapers  isn't  a  trust."  Has  made  notabili- 
ties out  of  nobodies  by  publishing  signed  arti- 
cles by  them  in  job  type.  Inventor  of  the 
change  -  the  -  style  -  of  -  type  -  the  -  more  - 
frequently  -  the  -  fewer  -  the  -  ideas  editorial, 
and  of  the  Welsh  -  rarebit  -  lobster  -  a  -  la  - 
Newburg  Sunday  magazine  section. 


73 


^ 


HONOUR,  INCREASE,  financier  and  in- 
surance expert ;  b.  1839,  Equality,  South  Caro- 
lina. From  humble  beginnings  has  amassed 
great  wealth  slowly  and  surely  by  shrewd  in- 
vestments, although  never  taking  profit  from 
the  loss  of  others  less  fortunate.  Made  his 
first  millions  so  easily  that  he  sought  more 
work  and  became  president  of  the  Equable 
Life  Insurance  Company  at  a  nominal  salary, 
declaring  that  the  honor  was  almost  sufficient 
recompense.  Resigned  from  the  directorate 
of  the  Safety  Trust  Company  because  the  in- 
74 


surance  company  had  an  account  there.    He 

is  highly 

Publishers*  Note:  The  following  telegram 
from  the  compiler  is  self-explanatory — "  Can- 
cel Increase  Honour's  biography.  There  never 
was  any  such  man." 


75 


HOPPER,  DE  WOLF,  (said  to  be  his  real 
name),  the  longest  laugh-maker  in  the  the- 
atrical business  (6  ft.  4  in.) ;  b.  1858,  within 
hearing  of  Broadway,  where  he  would  prefer 
to  remain.  Began  stage  career  in  "  Hazel 
Kirke  "  with  Dan  Frohman's  Madison  Square 
Company,  but  was  too  funny  for  drama,  and 
after  subjecting  his  voice  to  more  or  less  suc- 
cessful cultivation  went  into  comic  opera,  in 
which  he  is  to  some  extent  an  acquired  taste, 
although  extremely  palatable  to  those  who 
fancy  his  humorous  flavor.  Has  impersonated 
De  Wolf  Hopper  in  "  Wang,"  "  Dr.  Syntax," 
76 


"  El  Capitan  "  and  innumerable  other  operas. 
In  1893  married  Edna  Wallace  Hopper,  a 
petite  actress  who  still  bears  his  name  for 
stage  purposes  only.  H's  chief  hold  on  fame 
is  his  soulful  and  touching,  also  incessant, 
rendition  of  a  sad  elegy  yclept  "  Casey  at  the 
Bat."  Creator  of  this  recipe  for  comic  opera : 
Take  one  tall  first  comedian,  mix  him  up  with 
a  lot  of  trouble  which  he  tries  to  shift  to  a 
very  short  second  comedian;  sprinkle  with 
gags,  shrugs  and  grimaces;  season  with  hand 
organ  tunes ;  garnish  with  costumes ;  serve  hot 
with  bad  pun  sauce. 


77 


HUBBARD,  ELBERT,  the  only  man  in 
America  who  is  making  culture  pay  75$  a 
year.  Was  born  in  Illinois,  but  is  no  sucker 
on  that  account.  He  early  began  to  make  lit- 
tle journeys  to  the  homes  of  the  Great,  includ- 
ing his  own,  and  although  he  has  never  seen 
any  of  the  places  he  has  described,  his  elo- 
quence has  moved  millions  to  tears.  Upon 
reaching  manhood  .he  became  interested  in 
political  economy  and  finally  decided  that  the 
keystone  of  success  is  to  induce  others  to  work 
for  you  at  a  stipend  of  board  and  clothes— 
and  not  too  much  of  either.  Accordingly 
78 


founded  the  Roycroft  Shop  at  East  Aurora, 
N.  Y.,  and  gets  his  lodgers  to  make  pretty 
books  for  him  which  he  sells  at  fabulous 
profits.  The  trade-mark  of  his  volumes  is 
"  Done  at  East  Aurora,"  and  all  who  visit 
that  spot  for  food  and  rest  say  it's  perfectly 
true.  H.  is  chiefly  notable  for  having  written 
a  treatise  on  the  value  of  an  employee  doing 
just  as  he's  told,  without  asking  any  ques- 
tions ;  this  has  proved  the  ruin  of  more  smart 
office  boys  than  East  Aurora  could  feed  in 
fifty  years. 


79 


SURPLUS- 


HYDE,  JAMES  HAZEN,  the  man  who 
made  Equitable  investigated;  b.  in  Luxury, 
State  of  Plutocracy,  not  long  ago.  Early  took 
an  interest  in  his  father's  life-insurance  com- 
pany and  has  taken  large  interest  from  it 
ever  since.  Is  part  French,  and  therefore 
can  never  be  induced  to  dance  the  German, 
although  extremely  fond  of  the  giddy  whirl. 
Was  introduced  to  the  400  by  Uncle  Chauncey 
M.  Depew,  who  was  suspected  of  joking,  as 
usual.  H.  was  the  inventor  of  the  fancy-dress 
life-assurance  ball,  and  is  known  as  the  only 
80 


man  who  ever  worked  a  French  ambassador 
for  an  "  ad."  In  summer  of  1905  H.  gave  a 
series  of  comic  exhibitions  before  the  Newport 
set,  thereby  incurring  the  deadly  jealousy  of 
Harry  Lehr's  monkey,  whom  he  afterward 
challenged.  Fight  was  not  pulled  off  owing 
to  police  interference.  Recently  took  French 
leave  for  Paris,  where  he  will  remain  if  the 
popular  vote  has  any  influence  with  him. 
Composer  popular  songs  "  Weary  Doin' 
Nuffin'  All  de  Time,"  and  "  The  Scads  of  Dear 
Old  Equitable." 


81 


JAMES,  HENRY,  enigmatic  novelist;  t>. 
New  York,  1843,  but  with  Bostonese  instincts, 
since  strengthened  by  long  residence  in  Eng- 
land. Studied  law,  which  accounts  in  part,  it 
may  be,  for  the  subtleties,  as  it  were,  of  his 
literary,  or  novelistic  style,  or  phraseology, 
or,  to  put  it  more  definitely,  turns  of  expres- 
sion or  diction.  Whether  his  environment 
shaped  his  heredity — for  it  is  logical  to  say 
that  he  had  both  heredity  and  environment — 
or  his  heredity  his  environment,  it  is,  beyond 
peradventure,  certain  that  both  heredity  and 
environment,  taken  concretely  or  in  the  ab- 
82 


stract,  were  fundamentally,  or,  to  state  it  in 
another  way,  basicly,  at  the  bottom,  or  be- 
neath, his  novelistic  style;  the  heredity,  or 
ancestral  hereditaments,  being,  to  some  degree, 
and  the  environment,  or  begirding  conditions, 
to  an  even  greater  degree,  or  measure,  or  ex- 
tent, responsible,  or  in  the  main  essentials  re- 
sponsible, or  approximately  responsible,  even 

to  the  extent  of  finality,  for  the 

EDITOR'S  NOTE:  The  assistant  editor  dele- 
gated to  prepare  this  particular  biography, 
came  to  his  task  fresh  from  perusal  of  Mr. 
James'  latest  novel;  further  comment  is  un- 
necessary. 


LACKAYE,  WILTON,  actor  and  orator; 
b.  in  Virginia  at  an  tmgiven  date.  Although 
a  distinguished  creator  of  character  roles,  is 
chiefly  conspicuous  by  his  shrinking  modesty 
off  the  stage,  a  peculiarity  which  has  earned 
him  the  sobriquet  "  Violet."  While  in  New 
York  he  may  usually  be  found  at  the  Lambs 
Club  if  the  rooms  are  carefully  searched,  as 
his  retiring  disposition  impels  him  to  seek  the 
most  secluded  nooks  and  corners.  Had  he  not 
realized  that  he  was  intended  by  nature  to  be 
the  world's  greatest  actor,  L.  would  probably 
have  been  a  minister  or  a  journalist,  either  of 
84 


which  callings  might  have  led  to  the  overcom- 
ing of  his  painful  shyness.  Author  of  numer- 
ous poems  and  panegyrics,  among  them  being : 
"  I."  "  Me,"  and  "  Myself." 


I     I    fl 


85 


LAWSON,  THOMAS  W.,  financial  icono- 
clast and  idol  of  the  impecunious.  After 
spending  the  best  part  of  his  life  pulling 
chestnuts  out  of  the  fire  for  "  The  System " 
monkeys,  wants  to  make  them  follow  his  ex- 
ample and  reform.  A  profuse  contributor  to 
current  literature,  usually  at  regular  advertis- 
ing rates.  Writes  with  a  stick  of  lunar  caustic 
dipped  in  a  dynamite  cartridge  filled  with 
nitroglycerine  and  blood.  Knows  more  about 
the  business  of  the  kings  of  Wall  Street  than 
they  know  themselves,  and  a  great  deal  more 
86 


than  they  wish  he  did.  Has  a  sovereign  rem- 
edy for  all  the  ills  the  flesh  is  heir  to,  but 
if  it  makes  "  the  market "  what  he  says  it 
will,  his  occupation  will  be  gone.  Has  large 
life-insurance  interests  by  proxy.  Has  tried 
racing  with  horses  and  yachts,  and  is  a  true 
sportsman,  but  was  wise  enough  to  "  copper  " 
his  bets  against  Standard  Oil  by  an  annuity 
for  his  family.  Inventor  of  the  Lawson  Pink, 
and  of  more  ways  of  lambasting  H.  H.  Rog- 
ers than  there  are  roads  to  Rome.  Author: 
"  Why  I  Am  an  Honest  Man."  In  prepara- 
tion :  "  My  Pen  is  Mightier  Than  the  Sword, 
but  The  System  Would  Try  a  Dagger  if  It 
Dared." 


87 


LEHR,  HARRY,  jester-in-ordinary  to  the 
Princess  of  Astoria;  b.  somewhere  a  certain 
number  of  years  ago,  of  parents  unknown  to 
New  York  society.  First  heard  of  on  Fifth 
Avenue  as  a  wine  drummer,  and  showed 
such  marvellous  persistency  that  the  400  was 
obliged  to  take  him  to  its  heart  in  order  to 
avoid  taking  his  wares  into  its  stomach.  Had 
a  happy  inspiration  to  tell  Grandma  Astor 
that  she  looked  like  a  girl  of  seventeen  one 
evening,  and  thereafter  had  no  board  bills  to 
pay.  Married  a  rich  widow  and  quit  drink- 
88 


ing  his  own  wines,  upon  which  he  mellowed 
immediately  and  became  Chief  Thinker  for 
the  Newport  Association  of  Feeble  Minded. 
By  his  arduous  labors  has  largely  increased 
the  membership  of  that  organization.  L. 
seems  to  have  been  born  a  few  years  too  late ; 
a  middle-ages  monarch  would  have  given  him 
a  cap-and-bells,  and  his  present  jokes  would 
have  suited  that  period  to  a  nicety.  Has  done 
some  literary  work,  chief  of  which  are  his 
celebrated  treatises,  "  Monkeys  I  Have  Dined 
With,"  and  "  Cameras  I  Would  Like  to  Have 
Smashed." 


89 


MANSFIELD,  RICHARD,  the  Jekyll  and 
Hyde  of  the  theatrical  profession;  b.  Heligo- 
land, 1857.  Studied  for  the  East  Indian  Civil 
Service,  but  being  unfitted  for  it  in  disposi- 
tion starved  for  a  time  in  his  own  art  studio. 
Was  the  best  Koko  in  "  The  Mikado  "  ever 
seen  in  this  country,  and  although  he  has 
played  such  serious  roles  as  Richard  III  and 
Ivan  the  Terrible  many  theater-goers  persist 
in  thinking  him  comic  at  all  times;  as  a  rule 
the  members  of  his  companies  do  not  share 
this  view.  As  a  before-the-curtain  speaker  he 
stands  pre-eminent,  and  many  of  his  audiences 
90  . 


have  known  what  he  thought  of  them ;  oppor- 
tunity to  give  them  a  similar  privilege  was 
unfortunately  lacking.  Favorite  character 
Richard  Mansfield.  Favorite  play,  Richard 
Mansfield's.  Author :  "  Managers  I  Have 
Had  Who  No  Longer  Speak,"  and  "  If  Shake- 
speare Had  Only  Lived  Till  My  Time !  "  In 
preparation :  "  The  Only  Great  Actor  I  Ever 
Knew,"  (autobiography). 


91 


BY    APPomTMENT 

TO     THE 

(CROWNED  HEADS 

EUROPE. 

OTHERS 


MORGAN,    JOHN    PIERPONT,    known 

also  as  "  Jupiter " ;  banker ;  b.  Hartford, 
Conn.,  1837.  Educated  in  Boston,  which  ac- 
counts for  his  well-known  urbanity  of  man- 
ner. A  youthful  predilection  for  making  him- 
self custodian  of  his  playmates'  pennies  led 
to  his  adoption  of  the  banking  business;  has 
since  served  as  high-class  pawnbroker  to  the 
crowned  heads  of  Europe  and  the  money 
kings  of  America.  At  one  time  considered 
that  he  owned  the  earth,  but  since  collapse 
of  Ship  Building  Trust  has  resigned  claim 
to  the  oceans.  Like  many  other  modern  rich 
men,  delights  in  giving  away  his  money,  be- 
ing unable  to  spend  it  fast  enough  notwith- 
92 


standing  the  earnest  co-operation  of  the  art 
dealers  of  Europe.  Author :  "  The  Stolen 
Stole,  or  How  It  Feels  to  be  Buncoed,"  "  Wa- 
ter in  Stocks  Will  Not  Float  Every  Scheme," 
and  "  Croesus  Not  Such  a  Much  After  All." 


93 


NATION,  CAROLINE,  commonly  known 
as  CARRIE,  professional  iconoclast;  b.  date 
unrecorded.  At  age  of  three  weeks  argued 
her  mother  out  of  her  avowed  intention  as  to 
bringing  her  up,  her  antagonism  to  "  bottled 
goods  "  continuing  until  later  in  life.  Famous 

chiefly  as  inspirer  of  d Nations,  and  for 

creating  consterNation  by  a  series  of  person- 
ally conducted  liquor  raids  which  landed  her 
in  jails,  on  lecture  platforms,  and  in  dime 
museums.  Despite  many  traits  of  the  Indian, 
she  never  "  buries  the  hatchet,"  but  always 
has  one  to  sell.  Much  might  be  said  of  this 
remarkable  woman,  but  as  she  has  done  little 
for  years  but  talk  of  herself,  extended  com- 
94 


inent  is  not  necessary.  Has  published  sev- 
eral pamphlets,  including :  "  Liquors  I  Have 
Mixed,  Being  the  Authentic  Details  of  My 
Demijohn  Smashing,"  "  Temperance  Not  a 
Theory  But  an  Axe-iom,"  and  "  My  Right 
Arm  is  Still  Good  for  Many  a  Milk  Punch." 


95 


OSLER,  WILLIAM,  discoverer  of  the  fact 
that  the  human  brain  turns  to  goose-grease  at 
the  fortieth  year  and  ossifies  at  the  sixtieth, 
requiring  an  overdose  of  ether  to  fit  it  for  the 
life  beyond.  Was  born  in  1849,  and  ought  to 
know  as  to  the  first  part  of  his  proposition. 
O.  was  fully  matured  at  the  age  of  three,  and 
at  five  performed  his  first  operation  for  fatty 
degeneration  of  the  thinker.  At  seven  lectured 
before  the  primary  schools  of  Canada  on  the 
Senility  of  Sweet  Sixteen.  Sported  a  full  set 
of  whiskers  when  eleven  years  of  age,  and 
was  arrested  as  a  Russian  spy  while  traveling 
96 


in  Germany  with  his  parents.  In  1870,  0. 
startled  the  world  by  the  promulgation  of  his 
theory  that  old  men  of  twenty-one  should  be 
forbidden  to  vote  instead  of  just  permitted. 
At  the  venerable  age  of  forty  (the  goose- 
grease  year)  he  became  a  professor  at  Johns 
Hopkins,  and  although  very  feeble  managed 
to  keep  his  chair.  Lately  moved  to  England, 
having  no  further  use  for  a  young  country. 
Author:  "Evidences  That  Shakespeare's  Post- 
40  Plays  Were  On  the  Bum,"  "  Three  Years 
More  to  Live,"  and  "  My  Preferred  Dope." 
Member  Suicide  Club. 


PAEKER,  ALTON  B.,  at  one  time  the 
only  known  citizen  of  Esopus,  N.  Y.,  believed 
by  some  to  have  been  a  fabled  town,  now  long 
since  buried.  A  tradition  exists  around  the 
site  of  the  one-time  village  that  P.  was  once 
a  candidate  for  some  high  office.  Antiqua- 
rians, however,  while  generally  agreed  on  the 
main  fact,  differ  widely  as  to  the  nature  of 
the  nomination,  some  holding  that  P.  was  run- 
ning for  Hogreeve,  an  ancient  position  of 
great  honor,  while  others  maintain  that  he 
desired  to  become  Master  of  the  Hounds  at 
98 


Washington.  On  the  eighth  of  November, 
1904,  P.  was  caught  in  a  tremendous  ava- 
lanche, and  has  not  been  seen  since.  There 
are  rumors,  however,  that  he  has  been  heard 
from  trying  to  dig  his  way  back  to  the  sur- 
face. A  large  fortune  awaits  him  on  his  ar- 
rival, it  is  said.  Old  inhabitants  of  York 
state  often  declare  that  P.  was  a  trapper,  as 
in  antique  records  there  is  some  mention  of 
his  "getting  the  ermine."  It  seems  quite 
probable  that  he  was  an  Indian  hunter,  as 
there  are  writings  extant  showing  that  he  was 
much  disliked  by  the  tribe  of  Tammany. 


v 


PARLOA,  MARIA,  cook;  known  also  as 

"  the  Physician's  Friend  "  on  account  of  her 
earnest  labors  toward  bettering  the  financial 
status  of  the  medical  profession  by  her  en- 
couragement of  amateur  cooks.  In  babyhood 
evinced  her  natural  genius  by  stealing  into 
the  pantry  at  the  age  of  three  and  kneading 
the  family  bread,  at  which  task  she  was  sur- 
prised by  weeping  father  and  mother.  (See 
famous  painting  by  F.  Opper.)  In  child- 
hood discovered  formula  for  making  mud-pies 
with  the  addition  of  glue,  which  recipe  Miss 
100 


Parloa  afterward  amended  for  use  in  her 
justly  celebrated  gingerbread.  At  21  she 
founded  the  New  Art  School  of  Cookless 
Cooking,  in  which  "  Culinary  Sightreading, 
or  Roasting  by  Rote  "  was  the  chief  exercise. 
Miss  P.  has  been  highly  honored  by  the  Amal- 
gamated Association  of  Digestive  Pill  Men  of 
the  World  for  her  valuable  services.  Author : 
novel,  "  For  Thy  Stomach's  Sake,"  and  poems, 
"  The  Gullible  Gullet,  and  Other  Raw  Verse." 


101 


ROCKEFELLER,  JOHN  DAVISON,  pro- 
fessional Good  Samaritan ;  b.  Rockf ord,  N.  Y., 
1839,  with  cash  book  and  ledger  under  his 
arms ;  could  calculate  compound  interest  when 
four  months  old.  Popularly  supposed  to  have 
invented  coal  oil,  but  acknowledges  his  in- 
debtedness to  Divine  Providence;  endeavors 
to  discharge  the  debt  vicariously  by  benefac- 
tions to  religious  societies.  Has  lived  many 
years  without  a  stomach;  is  said  by  some  to 
be  also  without "  bowels  of  compassion."  Next 
to  running  his  fellow  men  out  of  business, 
he  likes  church  work  best  (Congregational 
102 


churches  barred).  Believes  firmly  in  the 
"  Golden  Rule,"  personally  amended  to :  "  Do 
others  and  never  let  them  do  you."  Has  shed 
more  "  good  light  in  a  naughty  world  "  than 
the  rest  of  humanity  put  together,  at  the  top 
notch  price  per  shed.  Believes  in  giving  away 
millions  for  educational  purposes,  thus  crea- 
ting more  students  to  "burn  the  midnight 
oil."  Since  his  money  was  called  "  tainted  " 
has  given  it  away  more  lavishly  than  ever; 
seems  afraid  it  will  not  "  keep." 


103 


ROSS,  CHARLEY,  b.  at  Philadelphia, 
1870,  and  about  every  year  since.  Early 
evinced  great  taste  for  travel,  and  at  the  ten- 
der age  of  four  went  out  buggy-riding  one 
day  with  a  couple  of  evil-browed  gents  and 
has  not  yet  got  home.  Is  thought  to  be  pay- 
ing a  visit  to  some  friends  in  Chelsea,  Mass. 
Has  been  the  cause  of  more  narrow  escapes 
for  hoboes  and  yeggmen  than  all  the  con- 
stables in  the  United  States,  for  three-quar- 
ters of  them  have  been  taken  to  Philadelphia 
and  bribed  to  forswear  their  identity.  Al- 
though it  has  never  been  proven,  it  is  believed 
104 


by  some  that  R.  is  the  man  who  struck  the 
esteemed  William  Patterson,  and  for  that 
outrage  is  keeping  in  seclusion.  Has  been 
elected  honorary  member  of  all  the  Press 
Clubs  in  the  United  States  as  an  acknowledg- 
ment of  his  great  services  in  furnishing  impe- 
cunious newspaper  men  with  "  copy."  Funds 
are  now  being  collected  among  his  friends  to 
send  a  search  party  to  Chelsea  some  time  next 
year  and  bring  him  back  to  public  life. 


105 


RUSSELL,  LILLIAN,  opera  singer  and 
unshrinkable  beauty;  b.  (cruel  though  it  be  to 
record  it)  1861,  Iowa.  Popularly  supposed  to 
have  had  more  husbands  than  Bluebeard  had 
wives,  but  has  only  had  three;  could  readily 
make  it  a  quartet  at  any  time,  however.  Dis- 
covered by  Edward  Evangeline  Rice  in  a 
church  choir  and  promoted  to  "  Pinafore " 
when  she  was  scarcely  out  of  one.  After  over 
twenty  years  on  the  stage,  learned  to  act  at  the 
dramatic  academy  of  Weber  &  Fields.  By 
this  time  she  was  beginning  to  forget  how  to 
sing.  Of  late  years  a  firm  devotee  of  Christian 
106 


Science,  which  she  certainly  should  try  on  her 
voice.  Prefers  automobiling  to  pedestrianism, 
but  grows  more  svelte  annually.  Author: 
"  Married  Men  I  Have  Known  " ;  "  My  Ex- 
periences With  a  Tenor  Singer  " ;  and  "  Beau- 
ty Is  But  Skin  Deep,  But  That's  Deep 
Enough."  Favorite  authors:  Madame  Yale 
and  Lola  Montez.  Favorite  song :  "  If  Yer 
Hain't  Got  No  Money  Yer  Needn't  Come 
'Round." 


107 


SETON,  ERNEST  THOMPSON,  (alias, 
THOMPSON,  ERNEST  SETON;  SETON- 
THOMPSON;  THOMPSON-SETON,  etc.), 
bosom  friend  of  animals,  barring  Mephitis 
Mephitica;  b.  with  a  bare  skin,  from  which 
prodigy  his  nurse  foresaw  trouble  brewing 
for  the  infant.  Very  early  took  to  the  woods, 
from  which  he  has  never  emerged  except  for 
lecture  tours,  during  which  he  betrays  with- 
out compunction  all  the  confidential  remarks 
the  varmints  have  made  to  him.  In  1890 
promulgated  to  the  world  his  amazing  discov- 
ery that  bears  would  eat  honey  when  forced 
108 


to  it  by  hunger,  and  that  wildcats  were  not 
adapted  to  the  fireside  of  the  American  spin- 
ster. A  little  later  followed  the  announcement 
of  his  theory  that  the  Jabberwock  had  no  true 
place  in  the  fauna  of  the  United  States,  but 
was  a  purely  British  beast.  S.  is  now  (1906) 
on  an  expedition  into  the  deepest  wilds  of  the 
Bronx,  where  he  intends  to  study  the  habits 
and  domestic  life  of  the  Sus  Americanus.  Is 
honorary  member  Elks,  Eagles,  White  Rats, 
etc.  Author :  "  Critters  I  Have  Criticised," 
"Was  Balaam's  Ass  Properly  Reported?" 
and  "  Hunting  Snakes  on  Broadway." 


109 


SULLIVAN,  JOHN  LAWRENCE,  an  ex- 
fetich  of  Boston,  Massachusetts,  at  one  time 
disputing  with  the  Sacred  Codfish  and  the 
Immortal  Bean  for  supremacy  in  popular  en- 
thusiasm. For  several  years  it  was  a  moot 
question  whether  John  L.  or  James  Russell 
Lowell  would  be  handed  down  to  posterity 
as  the  typical  representative  of  the  Modern 
Athens,  and  visitors  were  invariably  asked: 
"  Have  you  climbed  Bunker  Hill  monument?  " 
and  "  Seen  Sullivan  ? "  S.  began  life  as  a 
blacksmith,  but  iron  proving  unresponsive  to 
his  blows  took  up  "  the  manly  art  of  self- 
110 


defense."  His  principal  opponent  has  been 
John  Barleycorn,  with  whom  he  has  fought 
many  thousands  of  bouts,  none,  however,  to 
a  finish.  First  to  introduce  "hot  air"  as  a 
weapon  for  pugilists.  Has  lectured  exten- 
sively, chiefly  in  saloon  courses,  his  favorite 
topics  being :  "  When  a  Champ  Was  the  Real 
Thing,  or  Before  I  Met  Corbett,"  "  The  Money 
I  Have  Liquidated,"  and  "  Why  Boston  Needs 
a  Statue  of  Yours  Truly." 


TAFT,  WILLIAM  H.  ("Big  Bill"),  Sec- 
retary of  the  Lid  under  a  part  of  the  Roose- 
velt reign.  Chosen  for  position  on  account  of 
his  immovability  when  once  fairly  down,  and 
served  his  master  through  thick  and  thin. 
Had  doubtful  honor  of  succeeding  to  the  seat 
of  "  Peach  "  Depew  (mildewed)  in  Yale  cor- 
poration as  well  as  the  bother  of  being  meas- 
ured from  a  new  chair.  In  1906  discovered 
the  celebrated  Panama  banting  system,  con- 
sisting of  malarial  atmosphere,  mosquitos  and 
canned  grub.  Lost  nearly  half  of  himself  in 
practice  of  it.  May  go  upon  the  Supreme 
112 


Bench  if  he  can  train  down  to  the  Melville  W. 
Fuller  class.  Was  once  nominated  for  Presi- 
dency during  the  banquet  of  Yale  '78,  at  2.30 
A.M.  to  the  campaign  tune  of  "  Boola  Boola," 
but  is  not  doing  any  running  because  it  hurts 
him  to  run.  Author :  "  My  Skeleton,  or  Far, 
Far  Away,"  "  Around  the  World  With  Alice 
and  Nick,"  and  "  Presidential  Pretenders  and 
Other  Men  I  Must  Sit  Upon."  Clubs :  Adi- 
pose and  Chaperones.  Decoration:  Order  of 
Full  Moons  from  the  Rajah  of  Phfatt.  Resi- 
dence :  White  House  Annex. 


TARBELL,  IDA  M.,  born  in  the  early  days 
of  the  petroleum  activity,  and  has  been  strik- 
ing oil  ever  since.  When  a  young  girl  had  her 
horoscope  cast  and  was  warned  to  avoid  a  tall, 
thin,  hairless  gentleman;  with  feminine  con- 
trariness, however,  she  has  purposely  been 
after  just  such  an  individual  for  a  number  of 
years,  but  they  have  not  been  introduced  as 
yet.  Miss  T.  carries  her  prejudices  to  an  un- 
usual extent;  she  never  eats  salad  dressing 
containing  oil,  will  not  consult  the  Standard 
Dictionary,  and  denies  the  plenary  inspiration 
114 


of  Baptists.  She  once  sued  for  libel  a  news- 
paper that  inadvertently  stated  that  she  was 
a  "  tank  of  information,"  and  not  long  after 
fainted  in  a  theater  where  the  ancient  gag 
"  Carrie  seen  it,  I  didn't "  was  sprung.  Miss 
T.  is  a  member  of  very  many  recondite  orders 
and  societies,  including  the  "  Anti-Pipe  Line 
League  "  and  the  "  Washington  Gladden  Asso- 
ciates," and  has  been  decorated  by  all  the  great 
gas  and  electric  lighting  corporations.  Au- 
thor :  "  Why  Has  Not  John  D.  Horns  ?  "  "  It's 
Oil  in  a  Lifetime,"  and  "  Hell  for  His." 


115 


VAN  ALEN,  "JIMMIE,"  almost  min- 
ister to  Italy  in  1893;  b.  in  New  York  of 
Old  Knickerbocker  stock;  has  worn  knicker- 
bockers ever  since  as  a  compliment  to  his  an- 
cestry. Is  all  English  except  his  cash,  which 
was  handed  down  to  him  by  an  inconsiderate 
American  parent.  The  first  man  from  this 
side  to  be  decorated  by  His  Nibs,  of  England, 
receiving  the  Cross  of  the  Knight  of  Grace 
of  the  Order  of  St.  John  of  Jerusalem,  which 
nearly  tipped  him  over  frontwards  when  he 
put  it  on.  This  bit  of  tinware  cost  Van  A. 
$25,000,  put  into  a  hospital  ship  during  the 
116 


Boer  war.  Once  heard  that  he  looked  like 
His  Nibs,  and  immediately  imported  at  great 
expense  one  of  the  First  Gentlemen  of  the 
Bedchamber  to  make  him  up  daily.  His  only 
claims  on  the  gratitude  of  his  fellow-country- 
men are  that  he  once  kicked  Harry  Lehr  out 
of  his  house,  and  that  he  has  determined  to 
take  up  a  permanent  residence  in  England. 
Has  had  literary  aspirations,  but  has  been  too 
busy  trying  to  thwart  the  matrimonial  schemes 
of  his  daughters  to  produce  anything  of  last- 
ing fame.  His  lyric,  "  Chasing  the  Suitors 
from  Wakehurst  with  Bulldogs  and  with 
Guns,"  has,  however,  been  widely  quoted. 


rs  \J 

v>/HtTE      HOUSE 


WASHINGTON,  BOOKER  TALIAFER- 
RO,  b.  in  the  dark  ages,  but  didn't  stay  there, 
thanks  to  A.  Lincoln  and  his  own  brains.  Is 
a  white  man  in  every  sense  except  that  of  the 
epidermis,  the  shade  of  which  latter  was  never 
his  own  fault.  Early  perceived  the  advan- 
tages of  knowing  something  and  has  never 
outgrown  the  habit.  State  authorities  of 
Alabama  showed  a  gleam  of  sense  in  1881, 
and  elected  W.  head  of  the  Tuskegee  school, 
where  he  has  been  finishing  mahogany  prod- 
uct of  varying  shades  ever  since.  Once  took 
lunch  with  President  Roosevelt  because  he 
118 


was  invited,  and  the  national  government  nar- 
rowly escaped  having  another  secession  to  put 
down.  Kecently  dined  with  John  Wanamaker 
at  one  of  the  big  hotels  of  Saratoga,  and  the 
whole  force  of  colored  waiters  struck  in  a 
body.  W.  is  famous  in  culinary  lines,  hav- 
ing given  the  name  "  Booker  Washington  " 
to  chocolate  pie.  Is  a  voluminous  author, 
among  his  best  works  being :  "  What  I  Don't 
Know  About  Vardaman,  and  How  Glad  I  Am 
That  I  Don't  Know  It,"  "The  Raising  of 
Chickens  Around  Tuskegee,"  and  "  The  Ethics 
of  Razor-Play." 


-TV 


WHEELER,  ELLA  WILCOX, 
the  poetess  of  the  steam  radiator; 
b.  on  the  hottest  day  of  the  hottest 
August  for  fifty  years.  Preferred 
Tabasco  to  milk  in  infancy,  and  has 
always  used  red  pepper  as  sachet  pow- 
der. While  yet  a  girl  set  fire  to  her 
father's  ice-house  whither  she  had  gone 
to  write  a  poem.  Her  first  literary  ef- 
forts appeared  in  the  Asbestos  Workers' 
Monthly,  and  rapidly  won  recognition 
from  the  Steamfitters',  the  Ma- 
rine Firemen's,  the  Blast-Forg- 
ers' and  the  Smelters'  unions, 
to  all  of  which  she  was 
elected  honorary  member. 
Is  widely  known  to  medical 
science  as  only  patient  whose 
120 


temperature  ever  burst  a  clinical  thermome- 
ter. M.  a  Mr.  Wilcox  in  1884,  but  is  now 
wedded  to  the  New  York  Journal,  in  columns 
of  which  she  furnishes  heat  to  cooled-off 
love  affairs.  Founded  and  has  always  been 
president  of  American  Order  of  Burning  Sap- 
phos.  Author :  "  A  Hot  Time,  and  Other  Cal- 
cined Poems." 


121 


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